tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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