Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
