the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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