Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
