Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
