im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
