fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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