you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Holy sore nipples Batman
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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