Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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