I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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