I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
