I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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