You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
