He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
