She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
