hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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