So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
People in love make me want to vomit
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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