theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
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Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
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You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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