ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
