dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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