her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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