I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
