ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
