Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
