Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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