I just pynch a tree in the face
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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