he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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