you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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