I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
