I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
