:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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