i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
