Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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