I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
