three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
