and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
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I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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