He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
