I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
There are leaves in my underwear?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
