So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
