I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
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I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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