but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
