i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
