that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
