can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
