How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
