She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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