I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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