He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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