no, he came in my armpit
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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