My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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