just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
