My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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