Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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