I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
