nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
