life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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