I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
