i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
