Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
